Queries: “Do you make your home a place of affection where God’s presence is felt? Do you practice family prayer? Do you share your deepest beliefs and interests with all in the family? Do you grow together through sharing prosperity and adversity? Can you keep a sense of humor and avoid taking yourself too seriously? Do you establish family standards including the mutual obligations of children and adults?”
I suppose that families and homes are always in some transition but I have to consider this batch of queries in a past as well as present tense perspective. We are an immediate family of three (not counting dogs), with a grown son who is—except for an extended visit at the present moment—living on his own. My wife and I have begun our 30th year of marriage and our son is in his 26th year. He has spent the last couple years since graduating college living and working in Colorado.
Despite this recent separation of distance, we have been a close family. In fact, it seems to me that redefining ourselves as closely knit adults, rather than parents with a grown kid, is the major theme of this period of life. Continuing to grow as individuals and shaking off the patterns of an earlier life stage is essential to prevent families from becoming stagnant and parading through a series of stifling rituals. I certainly don’t know what happens in other families but for us it clearly is necessary to evolve in the roles we play in this ongoing three-some.
Our closeness is generally more understood than expressed in words. We tend to show our love for one another through actions more often than speech. It seems that to varying degrees, we each believe that it is easier to talk about love but committing one’s time, attention, energy – giving of one’s self—is what love really is. Actions speak louder than words. Not that we don’t use the words, too; we just don’t let them take the place of real expression.
Being Randee’s partner and Corey’s father has been the most important work (and greatest joy) in my life. I feel mostly fortunate, looking back. I’m quite clear that I’ve known all along that being her husband and his dad were my priorities. They have been and continue to be the essential meaning, beauty, and purpose in my life. I can’t say that it was one long episode of “Father Knows Best” but thank heavens I’ve been clear about what was most important to me.
I’m not comfortable talking about God – that’s probably why I’m drawn to Quakerism. We can be still and know … or wonder or imagine or question, even doubt. I reject the idea that I could make God’s presence felt in my home life. I don’t think I can make God do anything. Perhaps though, if we are wise enough, we can recognize the true source of our love for one another.